


The Benefits of the Heart

by nikatsu



Category: Cheon Sang Ji Hee, DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikatsu/pseuds/nikatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense."</i> - Helen Rowland</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Benefits of a Breaking Heart

The way Yunho sees it – there are three benefits to having his heart slowly and excruciatingly broken by Lee Jiyeon.

 

 

 

The **first benefit** was that it is a slow process—a gradual thing and the little shards of… whatever it is that’s sharp and pressing into his lungs can only do so much damage at a time.

 

If it were quick, Jiyeon would see how hard he's fallen. Instead of breaking little by little, he'd probably have an embarrassing breakdown right in front of her before excusing himself _(“Sorry, Lina – got a call from the 85 club.” “We’ve got practice in a while so—”_ ) and running out of the room to catch his breath, to punch a wall, to scream somewhere.

 

But the longer he keeps this secret—the more he wants to tell her. It begins to feel like he _has_ to tell her or he'll combust right there in the practice room their groups share, leaving nothing but a cloud of smoke and some ash—but then as _this_ grows, the more he sees he can never, _ever_ tell her. He thinks that he just has to wait for it to fade but the only trouble there is that he doesn't want it to. He's come to prefer that sharp feeling in his chest over the memory of nothing _special_ he felt for women these last few years.

 

Probably when they go out for kimbap and tea together, she doesn't notice that he only eats half of his helping before he feels like he can't pretend he's hungry anymore. Probably she doesn't notice how he's gripping his chopsticks so hard that the shape of it starts to dent on his palm and the sticks start to bend. Probably she doesn't notice that he hasn't been able to fully look at her, not even when— _especially_ not when—she’s got a hint of soy sauce on the edge of her lips. It’s so damned sexy that he aches to punch himself in the face just to put himself out of his nauseatingly heartsick misery.

 

So, yes – at least it's slow. At least she isn't drop kicking anything else that’s sharp into his heart and ending it all in one swift movement. If bittersweet misery is all she's going to give him, that’s fine.

 

Somehow he’s begun to enjoy the pain.

 

 

 

The **second benefit** is _,_ Yunho thinks, if he hasn't lost all perspective (which, considering the fact that he bought an extra pillow and blanket on the nonexistent chance that Jiyeon might stay over some night when she’s feeling lonely, he probably _has_ lost all of what little perspective he had left), his best friend actually understands.

 

Oh, he denied it. Jaejoong asked flat out if Yunho was in love with Jiyeon ( _“-again. Are you in love with her again?”_ ), and he denied it—it wasn't quite as convincing as he hoped but it was better than stammering like the idiot he already felt like—but still, he got the feeling Jaejoong wasn't horrified by the idea. And if this weren't a slow, slow death, Yunho isn't sure he'd have the strength to keep pretending.

 

But he will. At least, for awhile. Mostly because he has to (it’s _self-preservation_ , he reasons, things will go bad if he opens his mouth at the wrong time), but also because he knows that eventually Jaejoong's going to see right through him and Yunho wants him to know that he never expected to fall for her again but if he could have stopped it early on, he would have –but he's in too deep now.

 

That's why he keeps thinking about that almost-smile in Jaejoong's voice when he asked Yunho whether he was in love with Jiyeon. Jaejoong’s always been the one for direct interrogation and honest conversation, but he’s never been one to pry when he’s not invited to.

 

And it's that little laugh in Jaejoong's voice and that little nudge in his head that sends him reeling ( _If Jaejoong's not grilling you, he might actually be rooting for this whole Jiyeon thing… again),_ and makes Yunho stop outside the kimbap shop. “Wait,” he tells Jiyeon, “I'll be right back”. He runs back inside and asks for a large order of kimbap and kimchi to go. He remembers Jaejoong likes chili sauce, so he asks for more of that too.

 

Jiyeon doesn’t say anything but grins on their way back. And Jaejoong will probably feign confusion over why Yunho's been acting so strange, cleaning their apartment and bringing him food and coughing, coughing, coughing at the mention of Jiyeon's name, but whatever.

 

Because the thing about having your heart broken, Yunho knows, is that when it's all over (as _this_ is inevitably going to be) you still need someone ( _his bestfriend_ ) to eat kimbap and tea with (so he can complain about how much _feelings suck_ ).

 

 

The **third benefit** is that he's starting to believe in contradictions.

 

With a swift breakup, there isn't a lot of grey area. At least, there wasn’t with all the past relationships he’s had. It was black and white—together, happy, believing in love one day. Alone, cautious and working your body to the core the next.

 

But with Jiyeon – everything is a grey area. Or maybe it's just because they're on the opposite ends of the black-white spectrum that they make some kind of grey mixture. Or maybe, he's just thinking about this way too much, because suddenly he's picturing them both as little splotches of black and white paint on a canvas and it's so ridiculous that he starts laughing, and getting slapped by Jiyeon on the arm for “being so strange” while she laughs with him as well.

 

So yeah – they’re hot and cold, black and white; two conflicting thoughts existing in the same agency. Jiyeon's either oblivious (which seems likely, and yet how she hasn't seen it he’ll never understand) or too afraid to fall in love with a ( _an_ ex-boy)friend again while Yunho's falling harder with every heartbreaking smile she sends him.

 

And contradictions aren't such a bad thing, he thinks. The old Yunho ( _determined, strong, manly-Yunho_ ) contradicts with the new one. But at least the new Yunho gets to be in love with Jiyeon… which is another conflicting thought, he realizes as they enter the practice room and he sets his bag down, because wasn’t he the one who broke up with her before?

 

… Regardless, the old Yunho seems to have disappeared. The old Yunho would have went out with his 85 club instead, drinking whatever and partying all night before ever telling the one he loved that he… in fact, loves her. Again.

 

And there he had been that night, before the kimbap, where Jung _freaking_ Yunho stood in front of this woman and said it out loud: “ _I love you”_. He's warming up for practice when it occurs to him that this should feel dream-like, or nightmare-like, considering that she hadn't realized he was being serious at the time (she had laughed and said “Love you too, bro”), but it doesn't. It should feel like that sharp pain should be suffocating him, but it doesn't. It should feel like the night when they first broke up years ago, but it doesn’t.

 

Somehow it feels like this awesome and awful kind of freedom in knowing she's never going to get it and never going to say it back. He doesn't want the scales to tip either way, because being free of her would mean taking a step backward, back to the former him, and he's not sure that _lovesick_ -Yunho is any worse than _only manly_ -Yunho was.

 

No, he doesn't want to be free of her. He's said it aloud now, felt the rush of that freedom, and saying it again would probably mean the end of all things ‘new’ Yunho-and-Jiyeon.

 

So for now, he'll just think it. Even when she confides in him over kimbap, even when she gets soy sauce on her lip, even when Jaejoong's voice has that _Dude-just-go-for-it-…-again_ smiling edge, even when there's the most miniscule chance things might be awesome than awful, even when this feeling threatens to annihilate every molecule in his entire being – he’ll just think it and _wait_.

 

Because he _loves_ her, he loves her, he loves her.

 

Again. Again. _Again._

 

(And the right time – _their time_ – will come eventually.)

 


	2. The Downsides of a Falling Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense."_ \- Helen Rowland

The way Lina sees it – there are three downsides to being around and slowly falling in love with Jung Yunho _(once again)_.

 

 

The **first downside** was that it is comfortable – a little too much so that sometimes it makes her forget all the idiotic things he’s said and done during the short time they stopped being _anything_ to each other in the first place.

 

If it weren’t comfortable, then Yunho wouldn’t have been so cool and friendly. He wouldn’t be calling her at ungodly hours at night ( _“There’s nothing good on TV and Changmin’s ran my iPad’s battery out after playing God knows what. Think you could spare an hour talking to me for a bit?” “I saw your Cyworld update about baking. You actually know how to cook now?”_ ) especially when he’s bored and can’t sleep because he knows that she’s probably also bored and can’t sleep too.

 

But the more he remains the same, friendly and cool, the more she wants to be awake to receive his calls. It begins to feel like things could go back to how it used to be – before the drama of being too busy as idols or the difficulties of keeping their relationship hidden from the public – because in the end, he really hasn’t changed at all and she knows that. She knows that he still collects coins and saves them in the large plastic gallon bottle he keeps in between his desk and dresser and that he still eats ramen when he’s up too late and can’t get to sleep. She’s come to enjoy knowing the fact that Yunho hasn’t changed all that much and that she still knew him the way she did from before.

 

Probably when they go out to drink with their colleagues, he won’t realize that she hasn’t been pretending to ignore him or sitting away from him. Probably he won’t realize that she’s been laughing too much at his lame jokes and turning her head towards him all night. Probably he won’t realize that she hasn’t been able to keep from not smiling and that her cheeks are beginning to hurt a little bit but she just can’t stop because he’s being too cute right now and really what else could a girl do but smile?

 

So yes, it’s too comfortable. It’s too much for her heart to take when she’s been so keen in filing him and their time together away from her memories. If it were any more than this, she probably wouldn’t be able to hold herself away any more.

 

Somehow though, she doesn’t think that’s such a bad idea either.

 

 

 

The **second downside** is, if Lina hasn’t completely lost it yet and she thinks she might as well have, is that her best friend might actually be totally okay with this.

 

Not that she’s said it out loud yet. Stephanie called one day and asked Lina flat out if something was going on between Yunho and her again, and she had completely denied it—waving her hand about as if her friend could see her from miles and miles away in America and hoping to sound normal while her heart hammered against her chest—but still, she got the feeling that Stephanie didn’t seem to think it would be a bad idea. And if this thing between her and him were any more comfortable, then Lina isn’t sure just how long she could keep from bursting the three words from her lips.

 

But she will keep quiet. At least, for a little while longer as she sorted her feelings out. Mostly because she doesn’t have the guts to ( _it’s self-preservation_ , she reasons, things could turn out bad if she opened her mouth too soon), and also because she doesn’t like the fact that she’s actually falling in love with the guy Stephanie might still like and she wants her to know that she didn’t intend for it to happen and that it was all Yunho’s fault for being around her so much all the time.

 

That’s why when she hears Stephanie laughing into the receiver and telling her to “Just go for it, babe” in English, Lina almost cries. Stephanie’s always been much more direct and mature than her – she always knew the right things to say and always kept her honest – it was one of the things she loved about the ballerina the most.

 

And it’s that honesty that makes Lina stare at him on the walk home and gets her mind reeling with thoughts ( _Stephanie says to just go for it. That means it’s okay… Maybe I should… should I?_ ). “Hey,” she calls Yunho, “Are you really going to walk me home?” She grins to herself when he simply nods a few steps ahead of her as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and catches up to him. She remembers how Yunho seemed to like walking her home these days and links her arms with his.

 

Yunho doesn’t say anything but grins at her on the way back, but that’s fine by her. And Stephanie will play innocent as to why she’d call thirty minutes later to ask her about beauty tips and stammering at the mention of Yunho’s name, but that’s okay too.

 

Because the thing about falling in love (again), Lina thinks, is that when she finally admits it to herself she’ll be needing some girl friend advice and who was better to talk to her about it than her very own Kim Bokyung, ballerina extraordinaire?

 

 

 

The **third downside** is that she’s starting to believe in _second, third, fourth and so on and so forth_ chances.

 

When they broke up for the very first time, there were a lot of tears and cursing (at his expense). At least, that’s how it was for that relationship… she hadn’t had cried for another in a very long time. It was all pretty simple to her since that day – happy and going out one day, indifferent and broken up the next.

 

But with Yunho, there was a lot more than just tears and cursing (again at his expense). Or rather, it was just how it was between them – things were always going to be different between them, no matter how normal and comfortable they were with each other now than way back when. The thought makes her laugh under her breath and he turns to look at her from where he’s sitting inside one of the practice rooms in SM.

 

So yeah – maybe there was some good out of giving him another chance (or two or three or four). Yunho’s either oblivious or faking it because she doesn’t think he’s all that dense to not sense that someone was falling right into the palm of his hands.

 

Giving chances isn’t exactly so bad anyway, she thinks. The old Lina – no, Jiyeon – back then was too insecure and too jealous and couldn’t possibly compare with the new one. New Lina is stronger and a lot more patient than she used to be and she’s never stupid… which is funny, she realizes as she watched him stand up and slowly make his way towards her, because they broke up because _he_ broke _her_ heart and didn’t she promise herself that she’d never ever let him in her life again?

 

… Nevertheless, New Lina was better and more capable now than she was back then and could probably handle heartbreak if he ever threw her one again. Life was about making mistakes and learning from them over and over after all –so why not risk it?

 

And there they were again, sitting side by side in an empty practice room, not really doing much except listening to the beating of their hearts. There’s some kind of force pulling her head towards his shoulder and when it finally occurs to her that she’s just leaned into him exactly the same way she would have done way back when they were Jiyeon-and-Yunho, she realizes that she doesn’t care anymore to keep to herself and stay away from him. It doesn’t feel like she has to anymore. It doesn’t feel like she has to keep pretending that she wasn’t falling in love all over again.

 

“Say… do you think it’ll be okay if we… um, that is to say…” He begins, turning his head towards hers sheepishly, “I mean, this isn’t probably the best time but I was wondering if you’d like to—”

 

“I’d love to.” She doesn’t ever want to be away from him again. Not when it feels so good to be warm and safe against him all the time. Not when somehow, he’s just told her what she wanted to hear even though they weren’t the exact words. “You still have to work on your pick-up lines, Yunho. I’m tired of finishing your sentences for you.”

 

For now, she’ll just enjoy it. Even if it ends badly again, even if he breaks her heart and leaves her to pick up the pieces, she’ll enjoy it for however long she can. Pretending is too much work and Lina’s too proud to keep waiting for the right moment any longer…

 

Because she loves him, she loves him, _she loves him._

 

Once. Twice. _Forever._

(It’s not for certain yet, but with the way Yunho molds his lips onto hers just then – Lina thinks this could be the time she’d been holding out for.)

 


End file.
